I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
