just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
