My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
