I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
