I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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