This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
