I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
