When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
