i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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