I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
