i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
