yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I did not marry a roomba.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
