We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
