dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
