I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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