WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
