i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
