I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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