HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
