His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
