Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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