You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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