If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
