Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
