Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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