well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
