Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
