There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
