Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
