I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
