If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
