I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
