Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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