no, he came in my armpit
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
