i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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