When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
