I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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