if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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