One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
