He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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