Cold hands, warm shart.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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