Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
