just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
