he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
