I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
