I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
