She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
