I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
