opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
