my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
