He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
