It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
