Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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