Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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