my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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