The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
